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OsbornOsborn 09 Mar 2010 18:54
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Hein220

(1) I like the idea of the intro, but it's a bit unclear in terms of the "ambiguous genitalia" being mentioned. I probably would be really confused reading that had i not been taking this class.
(2) Good work bring out the emotional aspect, but try to clear up the subject and explain what you're talking about a bit more.
(3) Shorten the thesis and see if you can make it broader rather than just about Max and Cheryl.

ADO comments by OsbornOsborn, 09 Mar 2010 18:54
OsbornOsborn 09 Mar 2010 18:49
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Final Paper

(1) I liked this opening, but it does sound a bit academic. Perhaps consider opening with a more easy to read and relate to sentence?
(2) The intro is definitely more factual and informational rather than emotionally appealing. Maybe pose a question?
(3) I liked the the thesis, I believe that this essay will teach me about what the gender binary is, what it means to be within it versus outside of it, and how it affects people.

by OsbornOsborn, 09 Mar 2010 18:49

1. The first part of the intro was an attention grabber because people could relate and see themselves doing the same thing, but the second part doesn't give enough detail so that someone who isn't familiar with the terms will understand what they mean.
2. I think it draws people in emotionally but I don't know if it really explains well the complexity since the into says that everyone deviates so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
3. I'm not sure exactly what the thesis is because the paragraph seems very broad and it doesn't really focus on one particualar topic that we've read about.

Christinab by ChristinaBChristinaB, 07 Mar 2010 22:26
Christinab
ChristinaBChristinaB 07 Mar 2010 22:14
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Cooke

1. I think the first paragraph of the introduction grabs people's attention because they can relate and visualize themselves in that postion, but the rest of the intro seems a little wordy and it may be more confusing for someone who doesn't already know about this topic.
2. I think this does explain about the complexity of the gender binary, but I think it could go into a little more detail on the emotional aspect.
3. I'm not sure if the rest of the paper is going to focus on gender or sex because the thesis refers to both and it might be too broad to talk about both, but I do think the paper is going to be about intersex people.

Christinab by ChristinaBChristinaB, 07 Mar 2010 22:14
somerrodgerssomerrodgers 05 Mar 2010 19:30
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ellebee4

i think your intro is great! really catchy…so for your thesis…is it that we need to have intersex in our language??

by somerrodgerssomerrodgers, 05 Mar 2010 19:30

Grabs your attention
Confusing terms in the first paragraph
brings up the emotion and complexity of the issues w/ the gender binary
the thesis should be a little more thorough does not introduce the reader to what is going to be discussed

huglifehuglife 05 Mar 2010 02:12
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Member Pages

good use of rhetorical questions to evoke emotions, but string of questions are slightly confusing.
but they are a good way to grab readers attention and draw them in. possibly start intro with questions then lead on to definitions and explanations.
you could define trans-sexual and transvestite more clearly. introduce the gender binary and how those emotions are associated with it.

thesis statement is vague. needs a specific focus

based on the thesis i would expect the rest of the paper to be about the emotional difficulties trans-gendered and transvestites experience. but how does that relate to the gender binary?
Reply | Options

by huglifehuglife, 05 Mar 2010 02:12
BM KK JCW
bmichaelibmichaeli 05 Mar 2010 02:08
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Final Paper

(1) You might want to think about opening with the last sentence of the first paragraph. wW believe that it would catch the reader a bit more because it asks the reader to start to think about a question right out of the gate.
(2) Your into is not very emotional. It does not get the reader to think about how they view the topic.
(3) We believe that the last sentence is your thesis however, we are not entirely sure. We are unsure if you are going to talk about identification or the gender binary.

BM KK JCW by bmichaelibmichaeli, 05 Mar 2010 02:08

Tell the reader more about what the paper will be about.

Very engaging and flows nicely.

Very Nice! :).

TG, LRD, BKR
brooke4brooke4 05 Mar 2010 02:07
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Jdoch

(1) very good paragraph and definitely draws interest of the reader, but in the second paragraph treat it more like a web article.
(2) YES. good job on drawing readers in and relating the readers experiences into the experiences of the intersexed people
(3) make sure the work before hand leads the reader into the main point of the paper. integrate thesis better

TG, LRD, BKR by brooke4brooke4, 05 Mar 2010 02:07
ST, BT, ED
JdochJdoch 05 Mar 2010 02:07
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ktk

1) Good intro, but possibly address a question to the audience… try to involve emotion. It seems very "to the point" so readers not familar with the topic may not be interested immediately since it seems pretty academic.

2) Doesn't really seem to pose the topic of emotional complexities that come with the gender binary. It seems more scientific than emotional. Doesn't emote ethos. Though it was VERY thorough and informative regarding terms and specific gender/sex topics. Good job!

3) Last sentence, first paragraph (thesis?) Good, specific. Leaves us interested in the rest of the paper and it accurately introduces the topics that will be covered in the rest of the paper. Good vocabulary used in thesis! "Trepidation" - GOOD! The thesis also implied that there would be emotion involved in the rest of the paper.

ST, BT, ED by JdochJdoch, 05 Mar 2010 02:07

(1) Too academic, and not so much advanced vocabulary. It definitely grab our attention, yet it should explain/elaborate what gender and sex is in the beginning. Because for a non-academic audience you need to explain things and not assume they already know the difference.
(2) Doesn't necessarily emotionally draw in the reader, it should explain a more personal story to have the reader understand the affects the binary has on people who fall outside the boundaries. Talking about homosexuality?
(3) Thesis is a bit long, and maybe take out "dichotomous vocabulary" because it gives the reader a sense that this paper is very academic.

Focus on homosexual experience? I think better would be to focus on intersex, trans. experience to fit better within the paper requirements

BKR,LRD, TL by brooke4brooke4, 05 Mar 2010 02:02
haleybaleyfofaleyhaleybaleyfofaley 05 Mar 2010 02:01
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ktk

1. Kind of grabs your attention, but maybe an example would draw more readers in. Repetitive, double definitions, maybe condense down to shorter more concise definitions.
2. An example or a story could have more emotional impact, good start, maybe just tie it down to a personal level a little bit more.
3. Clear, solid thesis in the correct spot, just need to incorporate more personal and emotional connections.

by haleybaleyfofaleyhaleybaleyfofaley, 05 Mar 2010 02:01

(1) Not very well because there is a spelling error on the very first word. Talks about social concepts in the first sentence and then goes off about being from Armenia. Picks up towards the end. Maybe make the "What, can you explain that one more time," the opening sentence.
(2) Harsh but gets the emotional response of the reader. Might want to add a little more about the gender binary possibly in another paragraph.
(3) This phenomenon is also applied in a discriminatory way towards Genderqueers and sexually deviant people, and especially transsexuals, but in their case it is called the “What the hell are you?” syndrome. These discriminations and enforcement of norm are applied to any kind of deviance. I would assume that the rest of the paper would be about the "what the hell are you?" syndrome and how that effects people who don't fit the gender binary.

JCW, KK, BM by ktkktk, 05 Mar 2010 02:00
KH, KW, HF
tall_girltall_girl 05 Mar 2010 01:56
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Brooke4

1) The opening is very intriguing. The story is a very good way to draw in readers.

2) The story also works as an emotional tool. It personalizes the introduction and makes the reader try to place themselves in the situation.

3) The thesis wasn't very clear. We are given an idea that it will be about the consequences that intersex individuals face after their parents and doctors chose a gender for them, however it isn't really elaborated on.

KH, KW, HF by tall_girltall_girl, 05 Mar 2010 01:56

Good first sentence - instantly engages audience.

Not overly forceful…

Large topic to take on… maybe you could specify what aspect you are going to take on. The thesis makes it unclear exactly what your focus will be.

Perhaps you could reword "I am hoping that you will open your eyes" to make it less explicit.

Good job!

good use of rhetorical questions to evoke emotions, but string of questions are slightly confusing.
but they are a good way to grab readers attention and draw them in. possibly start intro with questions then lead on to definitions and explanations.
you could define trans-sexual and transvestite more clearly. introduce the gender binary and how those emotions are associated with it.

thesis statement is vague. needs a specific focus

based on the thesis i would expect the rest of the paper to be about the emotional difficulties trans-gendered and transvestites experience. but how does that relate to the gender binary?

JCW, KK,BM
James24James24 05 Mar 2010 01:53
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Pinkcrusader

1. The introduction does a good job of including information on the topic, but could improve the beginning sentence with a more catchy eye opener. Maybe begin the introduction with discussion of a third type of gender.
2. The intro does a very good job of drawing the readers into the emotional binary complexity, particularly in the third paragraph.
3. We would expect the writer to discuss further the hardship of intersexuals. The thesis could be a bit more clear for the reader though.

JCW, KK,BM by James24James24, 05 Mar 2010 01:53
TL,LRD,BKR
brooke4brooke4 05 Mar 2010 01:52
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Gender Binary

(1) It's too academic and I'd go into it more slowly, it seems like you are expecting the reader to know more than they would. Good use of examples except the senate and representatives, and explain the examples in further detail. The gender binary should be brought up near the middle or end, and focus more on drawing the reader in in the first few sentences.
(2) Too academic. Not really emotionally grasping in the reader or bringing in personal stories. More factual and academic rather than making the intro interesting and emotionally drawing.
(3) Hard to identify what the exact thesis is, there is not one key point, not specific enough about what the paper is going to be about, and focus more on what the transgender experiences.

TL,LRD,BKR by brooke4brooke4, 05 Mar 2010 01:52
KH,KW,HF
kycokyco 05 Mar 2010 01:50
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » James24

1. The questions are very engaging, and the paragraphs are a good length.
2. Yes, the last paragraph does, it does it in a sense where anyone could relate to the situation, not just an academic reader.
3. The thesis is in the the beginning. Possibly keep the questions in the first paragraph and then use the second sentence at the end so the readers are aware of what you will be discussing in the paper.

KH,KW,HF by kycokyco, 05 Mar 2010 01:50
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